Friday, 11 July 2025

Dr Bob’s annotated glossary of corporate bullshit

Can you see the real me? 

Human personality is a complex affair. We play different roles, even in the same body. There are the personas we manifest at work, at home with kids, with mates, with hobby groups, and so on. We’re all suffering from a case of Quadrophenia to a degree, and I don’t mean the classic rock opera by The Who. 

Best mugshot and guitar buddies. Q: which one is me? Ans: both!

As I contemplate semi-retirement, or maybe a permanent return to rock’n’roll, I reflect on that odd beasty, the corporate persona – the speak, attitude and clothes we wear at work. What inspired me were a couple of meetings this week, run by some young professionals. Well it hit me like a haddock really. They had it perfectly! Walked the walk, talked the talk. Fluent in babblespeak like ‘disruptive, taking the lead, working in silos, early adopters’. Where the hell did they learn it? They didn’t teach us this at university!

As I’ve got older, I’m strong in the view that I’m not going to play personas and roles. Or if I do, I will play them lightly. Worzel Gummidge can keep his heads. I’m just me, take it or leave it. I will be honest in dealings, will keep confidentiality and be tactful of course. But I will resist slipping into some of my least favourite corporatisms as detailed below. You all henceforth have the right to wallop me round the chops with that wet haddock if I fail. 

Let me show you some slides

For f.cks sake! I know who you are and what you do! Rant finished, if you’ve got some research findings or a paper to present I’ll let you off. But don’t use every bloody management meeting as an opportunity to bore us to death with obfuscated concepts of reality complete with colourful wheels and flow diagrams. 

Top tip: use slides as a last resort if you need to convey some information, they have been severely overused. Practise the art of clear talking with brief screen shares only when necessary. 

Oh, here we go… 

Go forward

Always forward, forward, push, push. What’s wrong with the present? What’s wrong with learning from the past? As if spending time quietly reflecting on the past or really going with the flow in the moment are no good, taboo, a waste of efficiency and money.

Top tip: use this phrase sparingly. Try to think of some other way to talk about the future such as ‘subsequently’, ‘right we all know what to do, let’s get on with it’. I wrote a song about this – Living a Nightmare by JBRI











Yep, continual improvement, we all need that

What shall we take from this meeting?

Sometimes I don’t want to take anything, I just want to go. Our lives are about having meetings, writing minutes and assigning actions, preferably to others. An investor once had the perfect response when things were going bad – he just quietly stood up and left.

Top tip: avoid laying down this gauntlet in case someone does call your bluff and say ‘I don’t want to take anything’. I find ‘how can I help you’ often diffuses the awkward meeting endings and leads to a satisfactory summing up and moving on.

We’ll reflect and respond in due course

The ultimate delay tactic. Poignant as this was the UK government’s initial response to the recent infected blood scandal inquiry report looking into why thousands had still not received compensation. As if reflection and making a response constitute action. In some quarters that does constitute a hard day’s work. Yes Minister’s Sir Humphrey, we know who you are.

Top tip: something softer like ‘we’ll get back to you by tomorrow, next week…’ is a bit more human and shows that you care. Use ‘we’ll sort it’ and mean it, to diffuse any rising emotions.

We’re committed to…

… this or that technology, concept, action, whatever. Another ultimate delay tactic. Being committed does not commit you to actually take any action (that was a mouthful!).  

Top tip: avoid this vulgarism at all costs, it’s just disingenuous word soup. Say things that actually are so, that you are actually doing.

Levers

A favourite in UK government and the public sector. No, we’re not talking about Blofeld physically pulling a knob and annihilating a disgraced agent. This word has become popular to describe anything. ‘I have some levers I can pull to undertake that’ says the minister when grilled by the other side. 

Top tip: a little quirk of the establishment, let’s give them that. Try not to describe everything as a lever though, you’ll sound like a wally.

Talking in acronyms

You know how it goes, someone starts spurting things like ROI, EBITDA, API, PRP, SOP, CTR, CITB or other such nonsense to anyone outside. What is even worse is some HR-related mandatory training (doh! wet haddock time!) that makes acronyms out of everything like PERT (project evaluation and review technique). This is a prime example of how the corporate head differs from other heads you wear in life.

Top tip: try not to say sentences where subject and object are acronyms or abbreviations, this is mildly vulgar. Especially when talking to people outside your department or industry, or socially. Use the good rules of writing and expand them out first time always, even on your slides! 

Arghh!

Ecosystem

The unofficial dictionary of babblespeak says this is a fancy word that means ‘works together’.

Top tip: use only when you mean to describe something that is genuinely complex with many interactions. Something like UK industry skills shortages is pertinent as there are many factors and no single action will sort it. This might be a haddock moment as it is one I do use. Avoid using it to describe simple problems though.

Bullshit baffles brains

I learnt this one from my dad as he relayed stories of his corporate life in the automotive industry. Along with things like ‘take a piece of paper for a walk’ if you want to look busy and important but you just want to go and stretch your legs for a bit.

Top tip: I guess this underpins why we are here. I’m surprised these things still work but they do.

Team building

You know, they send you off for a day to do something wacky like hiking across a moor, usually in teams that have to compete against each other, in an attempt you all bond. You might even relax your corporate persona and put on a more friendly one. Shock horror! More innocuously, you might just have to attend a facilitated meeting where you talk about your feelings or do ridiculous activities.

My top ever two-fingers moment was one such session where the facilitator asked us all to state which kitchen appliances we most resembled, in relation to our team functions. We got the awkward ‘er, I’m an oven, ‘cause what I do is the heart of our operation’ or the tentative ‘um, I’m a toaster, ‘cause I can quickly switch on and respond’. It came to round to me. As resident technical author I blurted ‘I’m the u-bend, ‘cause none of your shit leaves the building unless it goes through me’.

Top tip: you just have to grin and bear these. However, use as an opportunity to reflect if you unduly put on a corporate persona as different to your persona in the rest of life. 

Shiny happy faces

You will experience stress in your job, it is inevitable

This was the only career advice I got as a middle class undergraduate. It went something like this, ‘you will get a house, a mortgage, maybe a partner and some kids. You will have increasing responsibility and that will occasionally take its toll. But don’t worry, that’s normal, it happens to everyone’. Surprised the travel agent was not clogged up with students rushing off to go backpacking!

Top tip: stress is a factor in most disease and illness. What the adviser did not make clear was the difference between pressure – something we all experience, and stress – the psychological internalisation of pressure so that it builds up and does not release. To be frank, stress build up must be avoided, whether that is through a good dose of Buddhist wisdom, going for a walk, talking with your mates or some other means to release the valve – personally I play the guitar and write the occasional blog to vent this kind of energy.

You need to look respectable

Why? Speaking specifically to professional blokes, why do we still wear an outfit that was high fashion in the 1940s, presided till about the 1960s and then slowly disappeared from casual wear in young people after the summer of love in the late 60s (look at The Beatles’ attire and how it changed after about 1966). Back to my dad – he played the game – on his first day he wore a white shirt and a tie. Although only a factory worker, he was invited to eat in the managers’ canteen and stayed there till retirement 40 years later. As such, his world view was ‘you must look respectable, cut your hair, shave, wear a tie, else you won’t get on’.

That’s all fine, things are changing, but only slowly. I respect people like one ex-boss who I never saw in a shirt and tie yet who was nationally respected. I respect the person who came to a gala event, a sea of back tuxedos, in a pink three-piece suit. You girls have it easy, so much more choice! I’d love to see a bloke in the House of Lords wearing something other than a business suit.

Top tip: I call for the day when it is our talent, skills and experience that govern how people look at us, not our attire. I hate wearing a shirt and tie, but have to play the game where it is called for.

Correcting others in public

This is probably the worst one of the lot. You know how it goes, ‘…we need another 100,000 workers –’ interrupted by ‘– actually it’s 89,234’ said with an undercurrent of ‘look how clever I am, I know the correct answer, you’re a thicko’. Whether it’s information that is wrong, or just imprecise, there’s always a certain personality who will butt in. Unfortunately this trait is not constrained to corporate meetings but now spills out across all social media, since Joe Public is allowed to comment on everything. Even families do it in the pub!

Top tip: this is the height of utter vulgarity. Let other people have their say. Don’t do it unless it is safety critical. Better to not say anything. Better to do it privately out of the public forum if you really need to. It’s like our egos are all lobsters struggling to get to the top of the basket, only realising we can’t get out, so we have to stamp on someone to assert the illusion that we are better, we are somebody. If ever I was compelled to write an addendum to the book of etiquette, this would be number one.

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Whew! On that note I’ll end. If you’ve got any pet corporatisms of your own, please share them!  

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